toxic... wow.

Just found out my uterus is toxic to sperm... okay... really, I'm okay with this.  I am not in the mood to grow babies... but toxic...  wow.

fail

So this once a week thing is a total fail on my part.  At least I'm willing to admit it.  I suck.  On the other hand I am totally awesome... And... I have it in writing.  Confirmed by my boss even...  So, maybe it evens out in the end.

I'm an awesome failure. Sweet.

holy marfa I'm behind...

well fuck!  quick catch up for the two of you that probably aren't reading this anyway.

Jan 28th - I had my first surgery to fix my old lady legs. 
Feb 4th - I signed up at plentoffish.com.
Feb 5th - blocked Mark from KCK who wanted to fuck me
Feb 8th - blocked Shan Gao, but you can call me Peter, for general creepiness
Feb 10th - 1st 1st date from said .com
Feb 12th - Clyde went to her 2nd high school dance, this time with a Date (the sunburnt chicken... and now they are GF/BF... he is so cute..!)
Feb 13th - 2nd 1st date from said .com
Feb 14th - avoided all notions of romance
Feb 15th - oh wait... that's today.  You are officially up to speed!

yeah... what he said

I always figure this goes without saying, but just in case: I write for me. If people like what I write, awesome. If not, how many different kinds of moron would I have to be to care? - John Shore

http://johnshore.com/

Imbolc (alternately titled: In my own way I'm a believer)

Imbolc (a.k.a. Candlemas... and Grondhog Day)  Another Pagan holiday that was "borrowed".  This one is the mid way point between the Winter Solstice and the Vernal Equinox.  When Jack Frost battles the Green Man of Spring... alternately if you follow the cycle of the dual gods then this would be when The light usurps and kills off his father the Dark.  Or if you follow the Groundhog if he sees his shadow... Whatever. 

I've stated elsewhere that I am a thiest of no affiliation with wiccan leanings.  I can't think of a more appropriate way to say it.  I believe in a higher power... a loving mother that gives us all a mind to think with and to know what's right and wrong.  Not someone to solve my problems or to catch me when I fall.  Not someone to be blamed when her children go astray...

I spent a lot of time investigating religions... wicca seems right to me, but I am leary of religon (all religion) so I have always forged my own path.  I am one generation removed from Baptists, Catholics, and Presbaterians.  My cousin is on a path that is leading her to become ordained in the Methodist church.  My friends are Jewish, Buddhist,  Muslim, Pagan, Athiest, Catholic, all sorts of non-Catholic Christian varieties, Mormon, and I think there is even a Krisha in there somewhere.  I'm okay with religion as long as I don't have to participate or believe.  I suppose you could say I'm on the fringe.

One day I made the statement "I'm a bad witch". One of my witchy friends went... well, freakin bazerko nuts on me.  What I meant by the statement was something a bit less along the lines of wicked witch of the west and more along the lines of "I'm a bad Catholic"... like... culturally Ed is Catholic, but he hasn't been to mass in 15 years, doesn't remember the rosary, and probably wouldn't know where to find a church anyway. 

The truth is, I'm not so much a bad witch as I am a skeptical human that doesn't believe in the power of ritual except my own personal ones.  I enjoy the holidays of the wheel of the year... but I don't really believe in them...  Do I think that Jack and Greenie are really batteling? Um... no. I think the season's will change becasue of the rotation of the earth.  Do I think that the light king is literally going to usurp his father, the dark king ,and kill him then fornicate with his mother? Um... no.  But I do think it is a cleaver way to explain the changing seasons... and to work in a party every 6 weeks or so.

In my own way I'm a believer... in my own way right or wrong.  As for Imbolc... I will be routing for the Green Man of Spring... who wouldn't be at this point?  It's almost February, and I'm in Kansas... it's cold.

My weekend alone... My lonely weekend.

I was supposed to have plans this weekend, but they had to be rescheduled.  So I found myself completely alone with nothing to do.  I have managed to avoid this situation for almost a year.  When the kids are gone to their dads I fill up the blank spaces... so I don't have to be alone... so I don't have all this me time to deal with.

Saturday I got up, did a bit of light housekeeping, and took myself to the Nelson Atkins Museum in KC.  I thought I might have ran into a friend there, but circumstances were not in my favor.  My first stop was the Buddhist temple room.  There is a wonderful Buddahvista of Mercy there and a dragon ceiling from the forbidden city.  This is my favorite place in the museum.  When I arrived there was a young couple sitting on one of the two benches.  This room is quite dark and they were taking advantage of the opportunity to express their affection physically.  I think they expected me to leave, but this is my museum too and there are other dark corners available to them.

After a lovely time refilling my cup with peace and tranquility I walked the familiar passages and found some of my favorite things.  My favorite piece changes each time I go to the museum... yesterday I think it was a painting by Guy Head (with an incredibly long title) Iris bringing the waters of the River Styx to Olympus for the Gods to swear by (or something to that effect).  I enjoy this painting for a couple of subtle reasons.  There is a wonderful rainbow of light coming out of Iris' hair and streaming in an arch down her body and across her feet.  Also, if you look below the brilliance of the figure you will see a dark and enchanting landscape.  It is the underworld, but also not.  If you can not pull your gaze from the beauty and light of Iris you will miss it entirely.

I was doing fine on my own until I left the museum... and then the alone really struck. I took the strangest path home... through what is certainly not the most dangerous part of KCK... but also not the safest.  I stopped by my Aunt Janice's house.  I haven't been since my dear Uncle passed away.  I almost couldn't go to the door... when I did there was no answer.  I felt lost all over again.  I eventually found myself sitting in a parking lot overlooking the highway... watching cars go by but not really seeing them.  When I snapped out of it I drove home and found solice with my computer... friends to chat with, but none to be with. Lost.

Eventually I headed to town... dinner at a friend's place (Cutter's) and conversation with O'Canada. We talked about men, relationships, and sex... He said that he didn't see any reason that I wasn't worthy of a good man and a real relationship... He said I was pretty, and funny, and smart...

When I left I couldn't quite face home again, so I stopped in to check on a friend... make sure he really was doing okay after the heart attack scare.  He was... I left there to find more snow falling from the sky.  But headed even farther away from home.  I drove another 10 miles away from home to get cat food and milk.  Finally home after 11:30... I still couldn't stand to be alone.  Back to the solice of my virtual life.  I found the museum friend online and chatted until we both fell asleep.

And here I am today... avoiding real life, in favor of the virtual.

I've got a lot of growing to do.

Baby Doc Duvalier was talking about cheese...

It's Tuesday... I think it's Tuesday anyway. I have strep... I could be on a different planet and I wouldn't know.  I've been full on fever, chills, the whole bit for say 26 hours now.  My throat is swollen to the rediculous and feels like David Banner is squeezing it around my vocal chords... I sound... well awful.

I'm taking drugs.  Omnicef for the strep and Lortab for the pain.  This has resulted in some pretty wicked hallucinations today.  Random Oompaloompas (although they might have been munchkins) birds, and by far the best... Baby Doc Duvalier.  He sat on the edge of my bed and told me his favorite cheeses.  He's been living in France since he fled Haiti... seems almost logical.

shouldn't have done that...

I found a random (almost clear) 2 inch hair on my inner thigh... tried to pull it out. OUCH! My leg hurts... shouldn't have done that...

you bastards!

I was sitting in the bedroom doing something..? when I heard a crash from the kitchen.  I didn't do anything because I didn't hear a shatter... the furry minions from hell (Percival and Lucretio) knock crap over all the time.  They race from one end of the tube to the other at record speed.  Two cats sound like a herd of elephants.  They do aerials that are the envy of circus performers everywhere... and they knock shit over.

I finally got up from whatever to investigate when I heard Em exclaim "YOU BASTARDS!" from the kitchen... seems they knocked over my iced tea from dinner that was still on the table.

I can't punish her... and I can't really be mad either.  I have the mouth of a sailor on leave and she used the phrase correctly.  Kinda like the time Clyde said the phrase (in it's singular form) to her father... she was still in diapers though.

Oye...

Why I no longer drink to excess

at one point in this evening Wendi and Shelly hit on the cute boys that lived next door... only problem was they were ugly girls... college... nuff said.

p.s. loved that table!!

wise, dead, and unhelpful

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. - Lao Tzu

I must find my way to the center... there should be an app for that.

** Lao Tzu (Laozi) Author of the Tao Te Ching, traditionally considered the founder of Taoism.

VeVa Hicks, my Great Grandmother of no relation, and how she came to me

My Grandmother was born into a hospital and left.  Harry and Elizabeth (Bessie) Mack chose her to be their daughter.  They named her Mildred Lucille Mack.  Elizabeth's cousin and her husband also chose a baby girl for their own.  They named her Velma.  MyMom and PopPop took Velma home to live in the city.  Harry and Bessie took Mildred home to live in the country.  Elizabeth became ill and Harry moved the family to the city to be closer to family and medical care.  They moved into a house across the street from MyMom, PopPop, and Velma. 

When my grandmother was seven (or perhaps 14; my mother and I remember the story differently) Elizabeth passed from this earth.  MyMom stepped in to help Harry raise Mildred.  The story I heard was that MyMom stepped in out of obligation.  Providing the basic necessities a girl needs, but not much more. 

VeVa and Elmer Hicks lived next door to MyMom and PopPop.  VeVa was Elmer's second wife and a decade younger than MyMom.  She was the Fairy Godmother to MyMom's wicked stepmother.  Of course neither is an entirely accurate description, but it makes things easier to imagine. 

I grew up knowing VeVa as my Great Grandmother.  I never knew the difference.  My Great Grandmother... She visited every state, and every continent.  She lived to be 101.   Born February 12, 1894.  She told me stories of snuff boxes, the great floods, panning for gold, and the necklace made of her grandfather's buttons from his civil war uniform.  She made sour cherry jam.  She spent a lifetime bowling.  She donated blood to the red cross every chance that she had.  For her 90th birthday she wanted to go skydiving.  At the age of 76 VeVa had a hip replacement.  This in itself is nothing... old ladies have hip replacements all the time. What is unusual is how she broke her hip.  The story I was told (by her) was completely VeVa.  She was sitting on a porch in the summer doing needlework (or at least pretending to).  In truth she was watching the kids in the lot across the street play baseball.  She decided that sitting on the sidelines was what an old lady would do.  She crossed the street and took her place at the pitchers mound.  I never saw VeVa in anything but a dress and pumps.  She was wearing pumps that day.  She planted her foot and threw a pitch.  Her pump stuck in the soft earth.  Her body turned, but her hip didn't.  Amazing woman.

My daughter Claudia was born on September 25, 1995.  Just a few days later she made her first outing to the funeral home and then the cemetary.  VeVa was laid to rest peacefully next to Elmer in the last days of September, 1995.  My Great Grandmother of no relation. My family.

Pajamatini

Pajamatini - an all ages pajama party with too much food, gossip, and booze.  Tonight there are 7... s e v e n... of us ranging in age from 6 to 39.  We have food for at least 25.

I believe in Love...

I Believe in Love.  I know... considering that the man who was supposed to be the love of my life was/is incapable of well anything remotely worthy of that title, it might be hard for you to understand how or why... but I Belive in Love. 

I Believe in all kinds of Love... the unconditional love of my children... the "because they are family" love of my family... the "because they are my chosen family" love of my closest friends... the love of the men that make my life so interesting... the lustful desire of my chosen lover... the sweet tender love of babies... I Believe in Love.

I don't toss the word out lightly, but I do toss it out liberally.  I had a person in my life once that was so dear to my heart... I didn't have the ability to express the love I felt at the time.  The greatest regret of my life is that she passed before I had the stregnth to say the words to her.  I loved her.  I still love her.  I am convinced that She is my guardian angel. In my heart I know that she knew I loved her... but I didn't say the words... I didn't say them enough.  I never want to experience that pain again... the pain of not saying the words. 

I Believe in Love...

I love you.

And the Calendar Flips yet again...

New Year's Eve... New Year's Resolution... New Year... New...

I don't make New Year's Resolutions... ever.  I don't believe in them. Like a curse, if you don't believe in them, they have no power over you.  New Year's Resolutions have no power over me.

2009 started out like any other year... just another nothing of a year among many.  It ended on a slightly darker note.  The girls found out about the divorce during the last week of 2009.  At first I though Clyde would never forgive me for not being able to make the "last straw" okay, but I just couldn't.  The truth of it is the dissolution of my marriage is not entirely his fault.  Infidelity is usually the result of problems not the root of them.

2010 started out in a bad place... My divorce buddy, Juan, left me behind, my husband moved out in February, and I was left to do everything on my own... everything.  I would never have made it through 2010 without the constant support of my friends and family.  I am tempted to thank each of you here... a list of gratitude. (but, I'm not going to)  Let me just say that if you have the slightest inkling that I just might be referring to you.. you are correct.  You pitched in and helped in so many ways... help with the girls, help with dinner, a hug, a smile, a pat on the back... a laugh.  Thank you for all that you have done to help me survive this first year on my own.  "On my own"... rediculous statement... I have never been so connected as I am now.

As the calendar flips to 2011 - The girls and I are adjusting to life as it is now. I still rely on my friends and family, and they are still there for me and my beautiful girls.  Every time I look around I see them... my safety net.  I am still married (on paper... In my heart my marriage ended in September of 2009).  I feel alive.  For the first time in a long time, I feel alive.  I've met some new friends and some old friends... some wonderful people that have lent a hand on my climb out of the swamp.  I'm smiling... I'm smiling all the time.

 In the spring of 2010, upon finding out the details of the death of my marriage, Shannon asked how someone came back from that.  I had no answer for him.  Now I do... the answer, dear Shannon, is with the help of my friends.  I survived with the help of my friends.  I found my way back to life with the love, support, and help of my friends (and family).

The other day I was chatting with a friend... she pointed out that there were 4 magic days in 2011... 1/1/11. 1/11/11, 11/1/11, and 11/11/11... um... okay.  I don't believe in those either... they have no power over me.  I do believe in magick days... my days are all magick now... I'm alive.

Thank you to all of my friends and family... thank you for helping me find my way back to life.

Ahhh... but what am I looking forward to in 2011..?  Getting my legs fixed... Improving my health... Earning my next belt... Finding ways to repay the kindness that has been so graciously given to me... spending time with new friends and old friends... finishing up the paperwork.  And that is just the beginning...

Changing Directions.

I started this for the wrong reasons... no one cares about my life but me.  So I stopped. Today I have a new reason.  Someone said something that struck me... she said "write down your stories" Write them down so you children and grandchildren can know you when you're gone. 

I'm going to write down my stories...  I'm also giving myself a weekly deadline.  One post per week... every week.  No exceptions.  We'll see how it goes.

Giving Thanks on Thanksgiving...

Traditionally holidays in my family are all about the food.  But, this one is different for me.  This one actually means something to me.  Each year, I take a look at my life and think about all the ways I am blessed.  I think about the people that have come and gone from my life… the ones I am thankful for, and the ones I regret.  This year is no different from any other in that respect. But, in a lot of very significant ways this year is completely different from anything I have ever known.

Last Thanksgiving, I was still hiding the fact that my marriage was irreparable damaged… that it was over.  Tonight, on this Thanksgiving eve, I am still technically married, but in all practical, intellectual, and emotional ways I am single and free.  This has probably been the single most difficult year of my life and I have only survived it with the help of my friends… I get by with a little help from my friends.

I am the luckiest mom alive… I am so very thankful for the love of my amazing daughters.

I am thankful for my Lauren and her family.  I would never have made it through these last 365 without her by my side… Handing me the Kleenex and the booze.  Propping me up when I didn’t have the strength… reminding me that Mohamed must come to the Mountain.  Thank you, Lauren.

I am also thankful for my family of no relation, Erin.  We have been together but apart for what seems like ever.  No matter the time and distance, you feel like home to me.

I am thankful for the never-ending support of my family.  Mom, Dad, Jeff, and Julie, you have stepped in to help fill the void.  You are there with emotional support, gossip, laughter, and always a helping hand.  I couldn’t be the mom I am to the girls without all of your help.  Thank you.

I am thankful for the support and love of my extended family… My aunts, Judy and Janice, and especially my cousin, Kaylea.  We are so very different, and so very much the same… you’re good Spock to my Evil Spock. ;)

I am thankful to the friends that have stuck by me and jumped in to help me when I needed them most.  Jim and Heidi, it would have been easy and understandable for you two to have walked away after what happened.  Thank you for sticking by me.  Thank you for the friendship, love, and support.

I am thankful for the old friends that have become new friends.

I am thankful for the most wonderful hair guru ever… Lesli, you make me beautiful... thank you for the rockstar mom hair.  I feel pretty.

I am thankful for Girlfriends… Shelly, Julie, Michelle, Mel, Hope, Ang, Les, DM… and the list goes on and on… thank you so much for your friendship.

I am thankful for my Guyfriends… Huck and Strimple, I love you both.

I am thankful for the many kids in my life… close friends and not so close friends of my children.

I am thankful for my Karate family and the confidence they have in me… even when I don’t have any in myself.  I am especially grateful and thankful for the Hurt family.  For Mark and Mandana… for loving my children like their own. I am thankful.

I am thankful that I have a job that I love and a boss that appreciates my sick mind and warped sense of humor.

I am thankful for a group of people that in ways both small and large have helped bring me back to life…  The Emotional Retard, The Old Guy, The Redneck, The Pie Man, The Mexican Deserter.  You guys make me smile… for reasons as varied as yourselves.

There are so many people that have been there right when I needed a friend the most… a shoulder, a sympathetic ear, a set of arms to hold me when the only thing that could pull me through was a hug.  So many of you that I owe a great deal to… so many of you that probably don’t even realize what you did for me.  If you can see this note please know that I am thankful for your presence in my life.

I hope each and every one of you are lucky enough to have a moment in your life like the ones you’ve given me.

With all the love I have in me... I thank you... I thank God for you.

the last day of the first year of my new reality

Tomorrow is the day.  My own personal new year...  One year ago tomorrow is the day that everything changed.  I asked 5 questions... the answers were: yes, no, a couple years, no, and no.  By the time I had my 5 answers I knew my marriage of 17 years was over.  I waited for 23 hours to let him know... and didn't give him a choice in the decision.  Over. Done. Out. I'm still not divorced on paper, but in my heart and mind tomorrow is the first day of the second year of my new reality.  There was never a moment of doubt. 

Good night year one... tomorrow is year two.

is that a FROG?

I live in the middle... rural America.  116 acres that have been in the family since 1901.  I'm 7 minutes from a grocery store, 25 minutes from a movie theater, and an hour from an international airport.  I don't live in the outback.... but I don't live in a town either.  I love it here.  I love the quiet, the peace, the seclusion... I love that nature is literally right outside my door.  But that's where it stops.  Nature is supposed to be outside my door... not inside.

I can live with the struggle against the yearly invasion of sugar ants... I can even deal with the constant fight against the invasion of mice... I deal with Deer (that lick my window screens and eat my garden), Opossums (that rummage through my trash), and Skunks (that choose to live under my porch), and Frogs (that occasionally hop right inside).  Ok... I draw that line at Frogs in my house.  I drew it this week.... I didn't intend to kill the frog... I swear.  I normally catch the little buggars and put them back outside WHERE THEY BELONG!  But this poor dead frog didn't play by the rules. I didn't see the frog that was hanging out on my living room floor... and he/she didn't jump.  What kind of Frog doesn't jump?  I know... the dead kind.  I STEPPED ON THE FROG with my BARE FEET!  I feel for the frog... but it was so GROSS! ugh...

It still gives me the ick willies just thinking about the squish.

Well that was fun...

Yesterday I decided to go in the side door of the office because a rather large intimidating group of people were loitering by the front door... kinda.  Turns out the police had ordered them out of the building because of the break in and subsequent theft.  My office lost a few laptops... and the a-hole broke my fabulously cheap printer.  But on the other hand he/she did leave my terribly expensive external hard drive with all my data and music behind.  So thank you.


Yesterday I went home at 8:30 and spent the rest of the day in my jammies working from home.  Today I spent 5, 6, maybe 8 hours trying to get the new (old) laptop working the way I need it to and the new (new) printer to... well print. 

Friday I have to pee in a cup... well great.