Pajamatini

Pajamatini - an all ages pajama party with too much food, gossip, and booze.  Tonight there are 7... s e v e n... of us ranging in age from 6 to 39.  We have food for at least 25.

I believe in Love...

I Believe in Love.  I know... considering that the man who was supposed to be the love of my life was/is incapable of well anything remotely worthy of that title, it might be hard for you to understand how or why... but I Belive in Love. 

I Believe in all kinds of Love... the unconditional love of my children... the "because they are family" love of my family... the "because they are my chosen family" love of my closest friends... the love of the men that make my life so interesting... the lustful desire of my chosen lover... the sweet tender love of babies... I Believe in Love.

I don't toss the word out lightly, but I do toss it out liberally.  I had a person in my life once that was so dear to my heart... I didn't have the ability to express the love I felt at the time.  The greatest regret of my life is that she passed before I had the stregnth to say the words to her.  I loved her.  I still love her.  I am convinced that She is my guardian angel. In my heart I know that she knew I loved her... but I didn't say the words... I didn't say them enough.  I never want to experience that pain again... the pain of not saying the words. 

I Believe in Love...

I love you.

And the Calendar Flips yet again...

New Year's Eve... New Year's Resolution... New Year... New...

I don't make New Year's Resolutions... ever.  I don't believe in them. Like a curse, if you don't believe in them, they have no power over you.  New Year's Resolutions have no power over me.

2009 started out like any other year... just another nothing of a year among many.  It ended on a slightly darker note.  The girls found out about the divorce during the last week of 2009.  At first I though Clyde would never forgive me for not being able to make the "last straw" okay, but I just couldn't.  The truth of it is the dissolution of my marriage is not entirely his fault.  Infidelity is usually the result of problems not the root of them.

2010 started out in a bad place... My divorce buddy, Juan, left me behind, my husband moved out in February, and I was left to do everything on my own... everything.  I would never have made it through 2010 without the constant support of my friends and family.  I am tempted to thank each of you here... a list of gratitude. (but, I'm not going to)  Let me just say that if you have the slightest inkling that I just might be referring to you.. you are correct.  You pitched in and helped in so many ways... help with the girls, help with dinner, a hug, a smile, a pat on the back... a laugh.  Thank you for all that you have done to help me survive this first year on my own.  "On my own"... rediculous statement... I have never been so connected as I am now.

As the calendar flips to 2011 - The girls and I are adjusting to life as it is now. I still rely on my friends and family, and they are still there for me and my beautiful girls.  Every time I look around I see them... my safety net.  I am still married (on paper... In my heart my marriage ended in September of 2009).  I feel alive.  For the first time in a long time, I feel alive.  I've met some new friends and some old friends... some wonderful people that have lent a hand on my climb out of the swamp.  I'm smiling... I'm smiling all the time.

 In the spring of 2010, upon finding out the details of the death of my marriage, Shannon asked how someone came back from that.  I had no answer for him.  Now I do... the answer, dear Shannon, is with the help of my friends.  I survived with the help of my friends.  I found my way back to life with the love, support, and help of my friends (and family).

The other day I was chatting with a friend... she pointed out that there were 4 magic days in 2011... 1/1/11. 1/11/11, 11/1/11, and 11/11/11... um... okay.  I don't believe in those either... they have no power over me.  I do believe in magick days... my days are all magick now... I'm alive.

Thank you to all of my friends and family... thank you for helping me find my way back to life.

Ahhh... but what am I looking forward to in 2011..?  Getting my legs fixed... Improving my health... Earning my next belt... Finding ways to repay the kindness that has been so graciously given to me... spending time with new friends and old friends... finishing up the paperwork.  And that is just the beginning...

Changing Directions.

I started this for the wrong reasons... no one cares about my life but me.  So I stopped. Today I have a new reason.  Someone said something that struck me... she said "write down your stories" Write them down so you children and grandchildren can know you when you're gone. 

I'm going to write down my stories...  I'm also giving myself a weekly deadline.  One post per week... every week.  No exceptions.  We'll see how it goes.