I believe in Love...

I Believe in Love.  I know... considering that the man who was supposed to be the love of my life was/is incapable of well anything remotely worthy of that title, it might be hard for you to understand how or why... but I Belive in Love. 

I Believe in all kinds of Love... the unconditional love of my children... the "because they are family" love of my family... the "because they are my chosen family" love of my closest friends... the love of the men that make my life so interesting... the lustful desire of my chosen lover... the sweet tender love of babies... I Believe in Love.

I don't toss the word out lightly, but I do toss it out liberally.  I had a person in my life once that was so dear to my heart... I didn't have the ability to express the love I felt at the time.  The greatest regret of my life is that she passed before I had the stregnth to say the words to her.  I loved her.  I still love her.  I am convinced that She is my guardian angel. In my heart I know that she knew I loved her... but I didn't say the words... I didn't say them enough.  I never want to experience that pain again... the pain of not saying the words. 

I Believe in Love...

I love you.

And the Calendar Flips yet again...

New Year's Eve... New Year's Resolution... New Year... New...

I don't make New Year's Resolutions... ever.  I don't believe in them. Like a curse, if you don't believe in them, they have no power over you.  New Year's Resolutions have no power over me.

2009 started out like any other year... just another nothing of a year among many.  It ended on a slightly darker note.  The girls found out about the divorce during the last week of 2009.  At first I though Clyde would never forgive me for not being able to make the "last straw" okay, but I just couldn't.  The truth of it is the dissolution of my marriage is not entirely his fault.  Infidelity is usually the result of problems not the root of them.

2010 started out in a bad place... My divorce buddy, Juan, left me behind, my husband moved out in February, and I was left to do everything on my own... everything.  I would never have made it through 2010 without the constant support of my friends and family.  I am tempted to thank each of you here... a list of gratitude. (but, I'm not going to)  Let me just say that if you have the slightest inkling that I just might be referring to you.. you are correct.  You pitched in and helped in so many ways... help with the girls, help with dinner, a hug, a smile, a pat on the back... a laugh.  Thank you for all that you have done to help me survive this first year on my own.  "On my own"... rediculous statement... I have never been so connected as I am now.

As the calendar flips to 2011 - The girls and I are adjusting to life as it is now. I still rely on my friends and family, and they are still there for me and my beautiful girls.  Every time I look around I see them... my safety net.  I am still married (on paper... In my heart my marriage ended in September of 2009).  I feel alive.  For the first time in a long time, I feel alive.  I've met some new friends and some old friends... some wonderful people that have lent a hand on my climb out of the swamp.  I'm smiling... I'm smiling all the time.

 In the spring of 2010, upon finding out the details of the death of my marriage, Shannon asked how someone came back from that.  I had no answer for him.  Now I do... the answer, dear Shannon, is with the help of my friends.  I survived with the help of my friends.  I found my way back to life with the love, support, and help of my friends (and family).

The other day I was chatting with a friend... she pointed out that there were 4 magic days in 2011... 1/1/11. 1/11/11, 11/1/11, and 11/11/11... um... okay.  I don't believe in those either... they have no power over me.  I do believe in magick days... my days are all magick now... I'm alive.

Thank you to all of my friends and family... thank you for helping me find my way back to life.

Ahhh... but what am I looking forward to in 2011..?  Getting my legs fixed... Improving my health... Earning my next belt... Finding ways to repay the kindness that has been so graciously given to me... spending time with new friends and old friends... finishing up the paperwork.  And that is just the beginning...

Changing Directions.

I started this for the wrong reasons... no one cares about my life but me.  So I stopped. Today I have a new reason.  Someone said something that struck me... she said "write down your stories" Write them down so you children and grandchildren can know you when you're gone. 

I'm going to write down my stories...  I'm also giving myself a weekly deadline.  One post per week... every week.  No exceptions.  We'll see how it goes.

Giving Thanks on Thanksgiving...

Traditionally holidays in my family are all about the food.  But, this one is different for me.  This one actually means something to me.  Each year, I take a look at my life and think about all the ways I am blessed.  I think about the people that have come and gone from my life… the ones I am thankful for, and the ones I regret.  This year is no different from any other in that respect. But, in a lot of very significant ways this year is completely different from anything I have ever known.

Last Thanksgiving, I was still hiding the fact that my marriage was irreparable damaged… that it was over.  Tonight, on this Thanksgiving eve, I am still technically married, but in all practical, intellectual, and emotional ways I am single and free.  This has probably been the single most difficult year of my life and I have only survived it with the help of my friends… I get by with a little help from my friends.

I am the luckiest mom alive… I am so very thankful for the love of my amazing daughters.

I am thankful for my Lauren and her family.  I would never have made it through these last 365 without her by my side… Handing me the Kleenex and the booze.  Propping me up when I didn’t have the strength… reminding me that Mohamed must come to the Mountain.  Thank you, Lauren.

I am also thankful for my family of no relation, Erin.  We have been together but apart for what seems like ever.  No matter the time and distance, you feel like home to me.

I am thankful for the never-ending support of my family.  Mom, Dad, Jeff, and Julie, you have stepped in to help fill the void.  You are there with emotional support, gossip, laughter, and always a helping hand.  I couldn’t be the mom I am to the girls without all of your help.  Thank you.

I am thankful for the support and love of my extended family… My aunts, Judy and Janice, and especially my cousin, Kaylea.  We are so very different, and so very much the same… you’re good Spock to my Evil Spock. ;)

I am thankful to the friends that have stuck by me and jumped in to help me when I needed them most.  Jim and Heidi, it would have been easy and understandable for you two to have walked away after what happened.  Thank you for sticking by me.  Thank you for the friendship, love, and support.

I am thankful for the old friends that have become new friends.

I am thankful for the most wonderful hair guru ever… Lesli, you make me beautiful... thank you for the rockstar mom hair.  I feel pretty.

I am thankful for Girlfriends… Shelly, Julie, Michelle, Mel, Hope, Ang, Les, DM… and the list goes on and on… thank you so much for your friendship.

I am thankful for my Guyfriends… Huck and Strimple, I love you both.

I am thankful for the many kids in my life… close friends and not so close friends of my children.

I am thankful for my Karate family and the confidence they have in me… even when I don’t have any in myself.  I am especially grateful and thankful for the Hurt family.  For Mark and Mandana… for loving my children like their own. I am thankful.

I am thankful that I have a job that I love and a boss that appreciates my sick mind and warped sense of humor.

I am thankful for a group of people that in ways both small and large have helped bring me back to life…  The Emotional Retard, The Old Guy, The Redneck, The Pie Man, The Mexican Deserter.  You guys make me smile… for reasons as varied as yourselves.

There are so many people that have been there right when I needed a friend the most… a shoulder, a sympathetic ear, a set of arms to hold me when the only thing that could pull me through was a hug.  So many of you that I owe a great deal to… so many of you that probably don’t even realize what you did for me.  If you can see this note please know that I am thankful for your presence in my life.

I hope each and every one of you are lucky enough to have a moment in your life like the ones you’ve given me.

With all the love I have in me... I thank you... I thank God for you.

the last day of the first year of my new reality

Tomorrow is the day.  My own personal new year...  One year ago tomorrow is the day that everything changed.  I asked 5 questions... the answers were: yes, no, a couple years, no, and no.  By the time I had my 5 answers I knew my marriage of 17 years was over.  I waited for 23 hours to let him know... and didn't give him a choice in the decision.  Over. Done. Out. I'm still not divorced on paper, but in my heart and mind tomorrow is the first day of the second year of my new reality.  There was never a moment of doubt. 

Good night year one... tomorrow is year two.

is that a FROG?

I live in the middle... rural America.  116 acres that have been in the family since 1901.  I'm 7 minutes from a grocery store, 25 minutes from a movie theater, and an hour from an international airport.  I don't live in the outback.... but I don't live in a town either.  I love it here.  I love the quiet, the peace, the seclusion... I love that nature is literally right outside my door.  But that's where it stops.  Nature is supposed to be outside my door... not inside.

I can live with the struggle against the yearly invasion of sugar ants... I can even deal with the constant fight against the invasion of mice... I deal with Deer (that lick my window screens and eat my garden), Opossums (that rummage through my trash), and Skunks (that choose to live under my porch), and Frogs (that occasionally hop right inside).  Ok... I draw that line at Frogs in my house.  I drew it this week.... I didn't intend to kill the frog... I swear.  I normally catch the little buggars and put them back outside WHERE THEY BELONG!  But this poor dead frog didn't play by the rules. I didn't see the frog that was hanging out on my living room floor... and he/she didn't jump.  What kind of Frog doesn't jump?  I know... the dead kind.  I STEPPED ON THE FROG with my BARE FEET!  I feel for the frog... but it was so GROSS! ugh...

It still gives me the ick willies just thinking about the squish.

Well that was fun...

Yesterday I decided to go in the side door of the office because a rather large intimidating group of people were loitering by the front door... kinda.  Turns out the police had ordered them out of the building because of the break in and subsequent theft.  My office lost a few laptops... and the a-hole broke my fabulously cheap printer.  But on the other hand he/she did leave my terribly expensive external hard drive with all my data and music behind.  So thank you.


Yesterday I went home at 8:30 and spent the rest of the day in my jammies working from home.  Today I spent 5, 6, maybe 8 hours trying to get the new (old) laptop working the way I need it to and the new (new) printer to... well print. 

Friday I have to pee in a cup... well great.