I was supposed to have plans this weekend, but they had to be rescheduled. So I found myself completely alone with nothing to do. I have managed to avoid this situation for almost a year. When the kids are gone to their dads I fill up the blank spaces... so I don't have to be alone... so I don't have all this me time to deal with.
Saturday I got up, did a bit of light housekeeping, and took myself to the Nelson Atkins Museum in KC. I thought I might have ran into a friend there, but circumstances were not in my favor. My first stop was the Buddhist temple room. There is a wonderful Buddahvista of Mercy there and a dragon ceiling from the forbidden city. This is my favorite place in the museum. When I arrived there was a young couple sitting on one of the two benches. This room is quite dark and they were taking advantage of the opportunity to express their affection physically. I think they expected me to leave, but this is my museum too and there are other dark corners available to them.
After a lovely time refilling my cup with peace and tranquility I walked the familiar passages and found some of my favorite things. My favorite piece changes each time I go to the museum... yesterday I think it was a painting by Guy Head (with an incredibly long title) Iris bringing the waters of the River Styx to Olympus for the Gods to swear by (or something to that effect). I enjoy this painting for a couple of subtle reasons. There is a wonderful rainbow of light coming out of Iris' hair and streaming in an arch down her body and across her feet. Also, if you look below the brilliance of the figure you will see a dark and enchanting landscape. It is the underworld, but also not. If you can not pull your gaze from the beauty and light of Iris you will miss it entirely.
I was doing fine on my own until I left the museum... and then the alone really struck. I took the strangest path home... through what is certainly not the most dangerous part of KCK... but also not the safest. I stopped by my Aunt Janice's house. I haven't been since my dear Uncle passed away. I almost couldn't go to the door... when I did there was no answer. I felt lost all over again. I eventually found myself sitting in a parking lot overlooking the highway... watching cars go by but not really seeing them. When I snapped out of it I drove home and found solice with my computer... friends to chat with, but none to be with. Lost.
Eventually I headed to town... dinner at a friend's place (Cutter's) and conversation with O'Canada. We talked about men, relationships, and sex... He said that he didn't see any reason that I wasn't worthy of a good man and a real relationship... He said I was pretty, and funny, and smart...
When I left I couldn't quite face home again, so I stopped in to check on a friend... make sure he really was doing okay after the heart attack scare. He was... I left there to find more snow falling from the sky. But headed even farther away from home. I drove another 10 miles away from home to get cat food and milk. Finally home after 11:30... I still couldn't stand to be alone. Back to the solice of my virtual life. I found the museum friend online and chatted until we both fell asleep.
And here I am today... avoiding real life, in favor of the virtual.
I've got a lot of growing to do.
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